In the last year or so God has been dealing more with me on my issues of worrying. I worry about what others think. I worry about security. I worry about being abandoned. I worry about keeping people happy. I would do things to gain the approval of others. These things make me an obvious target for manipulators and abusers. I could go into all the psychoanalysis as to why I believe I've been this way, but I'll spare those who get bored easily. :) Through learning to parent and hoping to keep my own children from feeling the same way, these issues continue to slap me in the face, like if I go through enough and my well-intended reactions backfire on me enough, I'll get why my worries and need to please are not healthy, and a change in thinking is necessary.
I used to ALWAYS react and feel the need to explain myself. At times I've felt the need to call bluff, just because I felt I had the better hand, to make sure others opinions of me were good, or they were happy with me or understood me. Through much reading and much-needed friends and family (who get me and understand me without me having to explain myself) I'm finally getting it. (And let me say that some of these people are ones I would never have expected to reach out when they have, in a seemingly ordained way.) And like many have pointed out, and as scriptures support, I'm beginning to feel released, like the burden of worry is being lifted from my shoulders and like I'm beginning to fully accept myself as the person God has intended me to be, and fully accepting that what He thinks of me is the only thing that truly matters. Oh, and let's not forget the reminders that not all battles are for me to fight and not all problems are for me to help fix.
I know where I stand with God. That's awesome. In recent times I've become better at looking at life situations and then asking what I'm to take from each. So with recent unwarranted emotional, mental and verbal attacks of slander and lies (an attempt to manipulate and use me), I've determined I'm to practice self control. I have found it to be easier and better to fold my perfect poker hand to practice and demonstrate it rather than call bluff. . . . But don't let me make it sound too easy, although it is coming more easily. Many applicable words, phrases and scriptures have been shared over the last few days, but the one that spoke the most to me was from Psalm 141:3 -- "Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips." And then another that comes to mind is Luke 6:28 -- "bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." To attempt to live and pray by the scriptures makes demonstrating self control easier. So yes, I'm folding my hand and walking away . . . with head held high . . .
I used to ALWAYS react and feel the need to explain myself. At times I've felt the need to call bluff, just because I felt I had the better hand, to make sure others opinions of me were good, or they were happy with me or understood me. Through much reading and much-needed friends and family (who get me and understand me without me having to explain myself) I'm finally getting it. (And let me say that some of these people are ones I would never have expected to reach out when they have, in a seemingly ordained way.) And like many have pointed out, and as scriptures support, I'm beginning to feel released, like the burden of worry is being lifted from my shoulders and like I'm beginning to fully accept myself as the person God has intended me to be, and fully accepting that what He thinks of me is the only thing that truly matters. Oh, and let's not forget the reminders that not all battles are for me to fight and not all problems are for me to help fix.
